WARNING: The following tale has been translated from its original Alien language and may contain some errors of judgment.
Once upon a time, on a planet which looked very similar to yours (but with much deeper oceans and significantly larger bees), lived an alien known as Alien Jim. Alien Jim didn’t really enjoy living on his planet very much; there were rainbows so large that you couldn’t see them, they only worked in playgrounds and their alien alphabet only numbers (not to mention the fact that they had not even invented dessert yet). So, on the third moon of the forty-third month in the year 9001, Alien Jim decided to put the spaceship he had been building to good use and fly off into the universe to find a new home.
Alien Jim fell in love straight away with the very first planet he found. It had at least four times the amount flowers than his home planet and they had invented laughter just over a week ago, so it was still new and exciting. The problem with this planet was that the only food they ate was music. Alien Jim ate some of their music but quickly discovered that it was not to his taste. So, he jumped back in his spaceship and flew off, in search of a new-new home.
Alien Jim really only discovered the second planet because his spaceship accidentally crashed into it and things quickly went downhill from there. He stepped out of his spaceship to breathe in the fresh air when he suddenly felt a sharp sting and saw an ant-like creature trying to nibble at his toes. Then, a larger hedgehog-like creature came to eat the ant-like creature and then a larger, lion-like creature came to eat the hedgehog-like creature. He had only been on the planet for five or so minutes when he saw a dinosaur-like creature coming over the mountains towards him, so he quickly decided to set off to find a new-new-new home.
The third planet Alien Jim discovered looked perfect, so he attempted to land his spaceship on its surface, only to discover that the planet was made out of tiny flying insects. Alien Jim hovered in the middle of the planet for a few minutes and thought that the sounds they made as they bounced off his spaceship were kind of cool. But, being in his spaceship for so long had made him feel quite lonely and he wanted to find a planet where could make some friends and maybe try out the laughter he had learned about on one of the previous planets. Alien Jim decided once more to fly away and find a new-new-new-new-home.
By the time Alien Jim reached the fourth planet, he was tired and starting to feel as though he had not achieved very much by being away for all these years. So, it was a big coincidence that he now found himself on a planet where they gave out awards for everything everyone ever did. They were given trophies for waking up in the morning, they gave out certificates, like the one they give for knowing blue is not pink and were awarded medals for merely wanting to take a drawing class. Alien Jim didn’t feel as though he would achieve very much by his own standards living on this planet, which they promptly gave him a certificate for before he jumped back in his spaceship.
Alien Jim left the planet behind him, turned off his spaceship and was now drifting out in space. Ahead of him, were many stars but he really only saw more darkness. He had spent a total of 340 years in space, searching for somewhere he could call home only to be left feeling far lonelier than before he left. The thoughts of a life of searching made him feel more uneasy than any lack of dessert ever could. He smiled as he remembered how proud he felt the day he learned the alphabet and thought of all the workers enjoying themselves on the playground during their lunch breaks. At the very least, he knew that there was always a rainbow there, even if he couldn’t see it.
He reached down, told the computer in his spaceship to take him home and pushed the accelerator.
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